


All Eyes On You

by tokyoeye



Category: GOT7
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares, Past Relationship(s), alternative universe - entertainment business, brief descriptions of anxiety, idols and managers, very brief mention of underage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:04:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokyoeye/pseuds/tokyoeye
Summary: Jinyoung is a paparazzi responsible for releasing a scandal on idol Im Jaebum. The consequence of his work though, does not stop at the heated discussions on TV and magazines. Jinyoung's career keeps taking unexpected turns and events keep throwing the twenty-something off his feet.Or alternatively, "You nearly destroyed my career and now you're hired to fix it." Stick with them 'till the end and watch two souls slowly, but surely, fall in love with each other, under the most unlikely situations.





	1. Causation

“Im Jaebum, popular idol at the age of 25, was seen at the famous idol-gathered nightclub downtown owned by his friend Choi Youngjae. Photos snapped by paparazzi from Today’s Entertainment magazine showed him grinding with several different female partners.” The male MC started enthusiastically.

 

“Now, David, we have seen nothing less of the dirty-dancing that Im Jaebum can do with his salty-idol image,” the other female MC chirps in smoothly, “but this is different. According to the journalist that covered this story, _at least_ two of the girls he had danced with were said to be underage ---”

 

Jinyoung snorts at being described as a “journalist”. He takes another sip of his long black and tunes his attention back to the now heated discussion.

 

“--- well I just feel uncomfortable you know; I feel as if seeing him on stage again after this is a violation to our moral ground. I mean, what kind of public are we to allow young people to follow a man who engages in underage relationships?”

 

Ten more minutes of the same voice with exaggerated disgust and Jinyoung turns off the TV. Ever since he released the cover story twenty-four hour ago, there have been nothing but the same line of moral condemnation and grainy photos plastering on every entertainment shows and magazines.

 

Park Jinyoung, the 24-year-old English-Literature graduate from Seoul National University, once proud and certain that he would be recruited into one of the top four publication companies in Korea, is now a paparazzi who is responsible for maybe painting the biggest splotch on Im Jaebum’s image. After two years of struggling with closed doors, Jinyoung finds himself involved with a different kind of publicists – the ones that are much more underground and blending into the grey area. Im Jaebum is just so unfortunately the prey that walked into his camping site that night, when Jinyoung was at his usual spot in Youngjae’s bar.  

_Jinyoung was right into his role as a demur onlooker, sat at the bar nursing his whisky. But there was a shift of attention in the crowd, a buzz rising on top of the pumping music and sweating bodies. Jinyoung turned on his instinct and immediately recognised the face at the entrance --- the “golden face of South Korea”, dubbed by every issue of the magazines that month. Hidden behind two bodyguards and switching down his celebrity flamboyance, Im Jaebum still failed to camouflage from the attention of intoxicated passer-bys’. A black T-shirt draped over his body, paired with some tight ripped jeans. Those muscles on his arms looked illegal, and Jinyoung wondered if anyone who had seen it had imagined being held up by those and fucked against the wall. Silently cursing at letting his imagination run wild, Jinyoung quickly flicked his gaze back up. He nearly choked when they accidentally made eye contact and Jaebum raised an eyebrow flirtingly ---_

Like what you see?

 

_Jinyoung felt the air tensed between them and a furious blush rose to his cheeks. He tried to tear himself away from Jaebum’s face but fell defeated against his own curiosity. Before he knew it, the idol started pulling the closest girl next towards him. The tension between them thickened when a smirk hanged dangerously off Jaebum’s lips as the girl started dirty grinding on him. Jinyoung wish he could taste that smirk on his lips. The man casually ran his hand through his jet black hair and part of his fringe hanged loosely against his forehand. Sweat glistening and sexual appeal was dripping off his body. Jaebum seemed to be getting turned on by the idea of putting on a show as well as he held the girl’s hips with a stronger grip. Jinyoung felt magnetised to him, dominated by him and reckless with him. The way Jaebum spoiled his attention on Jinyoung amidst of all the bodies around them made the younger man feel lavished and luscious. Strange confidence bubbled like champagne making his head dizzied. Jinyoung was almost sure if he asked nicely he could have him at his knees or being devoured as a whole while he moaned and purred._

_The girl grinding on Jaebum flicked her hair and Jinyoung’s bubbles popped. Coldness wash over him even though the club was hotter than ever. The reminder of a job unfinished gnawed at him and he shuffled his body uncomfortably, trying to retreat itself from the previously risqué mode. When he had stopped fidgeting the tension was long gone and swallowed another sip of whisky. The paparazzi subtly altered the angle of the hidden camera behind his jacket to make sure he could capture every move his target made._

 

The ringing of his phone brings Jinyoung back to his living room. The caller ID says “Mark Tuan” and Jinyoung picked up questionably. He hasn’t seen or heard from his American ex-roommate since they parted ways after graduation.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey Jinyoung? This is Mark!” A tinge of nostalgia tugs at Jinyoung’s heart. Mark’s voice still has that excitement and warmth, bringing in that California sun.

 

“Mark! How are you?”

 

“Good, good! Hey, uh, this is a bit sudden but I’ve actually moved back to Seoul some time ago. I was wondering if you wanna meet and catch up for a bit? Sorry, uh, I should’ve asked you this when I moved back but things have been hectic and uh… it’s ok if you’re busy or like we can maybe do it later…”

 

Jinyoung kindly cuts him off with a definite Yes that he wants to meet up. Some planning later they end the call promising to see each other tomorrow at a café. Another glance at the headline story he covered, Jinyoung wonders if his failure to land a proper writing job and his latest blow-up on Im Jaebum’s personal life is anything worth catching-up for Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and I promise the actual excitement starts in the next chapter!
> 
> I live for kudos and comments (any feedback will be hugely appreciated)<33.


	2. Partition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> | “恋の予感” --- A Japanese saying that describes the sense of falling in love inevitably upon two people meeting; different from love at first sight by which the feeling of love is not present yet. |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with a longer instalment. I got distracted and started writing for later chapters when they're all domestic and fluffy. But please have the patience to let my parents JJP sort out their shit first. :) 
> 
> Internal thoughts and dreams are in italics, dotted line (----) indicates the start of a different day, straight line (________) indicates change to Jaebum's point of view.

 

When Jinyoung walks into the Café right at ten o’clock the next day, Mark is already sitting by a sun-filled corner. The Californian boy immediately waves upon his entry. It has been two years since Jinyoung last saw his roommate and yet, as he shifts the chair and sits down, it falls back to the memorised movement of sitting down across his friend in the university library.

“I wasn’t sure but I got you long black with one sugar.” Mark says, motioning at the cup in front of Jinyoung.

“Ah, thank you, it’s perfect.” Jinyoung smiles and takes a sip, revelling in a moment of warmth from both the coffee and the fact that his ex-roommate still remembers his preference. “So when did you came back?”

“Around two months ago? It was kind of a spontaneous decision.” Jinyoung’s interest piques but he patiently awaits. “I was working as the Social Media Promoter for a skating brand in LA. And one day the boss of the shop came down and it turned out to be Jackson Wang. Yeah, _the_ millionaire Jackson Wang. He told me the skating shop is just his experiment in branching out to California and that he really liked my work. He asked if he’d like to work under his main branch in Korea and offered me the position of Social Media Director in his entertainment studio.” The smile on Mark’s face has grown soft and almost delicate at the reminiscence of his encounter.

“So now you’re work with him?”

“Since I’m only responsible for promotion and stuff our interaction mainly revolves around brainstorming and strategizing. So I don’t really work with him, more like we have meetings when we need to push new content out.”

It is a subconscious habit but Jinyoung sometimes his awareness floats away, dissociative and observing. Mark is positively radiating in front of him as he goes on explaining his new job and possibly the young CEO, and Jinyoung feels strange content embrace him. He can’t quite differentiate if this glow-up is solely from Mark working for his passion, or if it is the side-effect of the charm of the CEO. Mark almost reminds the young writer of a person infatuated, and he secretly wonders if he will ever let himself go so far as to fall for someone so completely unfamiliar, or to let go of his materialistic concerns and pursue for his publication dream, a faith in himself and the future that he has only self-indulged once or twice in his life.

A sneer comes immediately. It’s been some time since the writer falls sick of his own writing; his muse slowly evolves to be only angst and fading first loves, the didn’t-work-outs and could-have-beens. He only knows to dig deeper into his wounds of past relationships, and justifies to that only pain is universal, only words that are bled out from hurt will be empathised. But that night at the club has swept him off his feet and thrown him into the alien sea of desire; both sexually and emotionally. The self-made paparazzi walked away from the scene with evidence of destruction in one hand and a profound ache from his inability to fill the void of loneliness in the other. There is nothing more excruciating than the fruitless wandering of where he would have been had he not tuned in so diligently on his work and instead let the alluring existence called Im Jaebum guide him into temptation. Would his feet walk on their own, following the path to a dark alley incensed with sins? Would his knees give out and touch the ground willingly, as if for a benediction from unleashing his power to beg for ruin and to purely please? Would he be devoured and burnt, or completed and praised? 

But a new light is shed upon him sitting opposite of his friend, and Jinyoung is starting to think that should pain run dry eventually, love would not. A silent tug of longingness to being in love comes, and a pang of jealousy hums in cacophony. But love is a word impractically heavy to be thought of when it was casual sex that the man had wanted. The same pair of eyes are superimposed onto Jinyoung’s mind, infinitely deep pools of hidden passions. There is the same strange feeling of ludicrous confidence again, puzzling Jinyoung into entertaining himself with the thought that had he given in, he could have dived into something completely new there. A modern metaphor to Gone with the Wind, seeing himself tangled with the unattainable with the grand opening of a doomed romance. Or a self-destructive education like Tess of d’Urberville, lavished by attention and only coming back to his reality stripped off ambition and hope.

“Jinyoung, are you okay?” The wandering mind jumps slightly at the physical contact of fingers on his elbow, thoughts dissipating into dusts rising and falling on the rays of sunlight. “How have you been anyways?” Mark asks softly, noticing the little jump Jinyoung does.

Jinyoung lowers his eyes. He is not sure if the café is the best place for a heartfelt confession, especially when he feels like he is drowning. Jinyoung also knows that the absolution he desperately needs from ruining someone’s stardom will not come from confessing to Mark. But he decides that talking to someone is healthier than letting all these thoughts mull over him, so Jinyoung begins slowly.

“I have been working for an entertainment magazine… and um, it’s not really the best job around, but at least it has to do with publication, I guess.”

There seems to be some hesitance on Mark’s behalf and Jinyoung misinterprets it as the awaited judgement, but then Mark’s expression softens further.

“Jinyoung-ah, I know we haven’t really talked since graduation but I always think I understand you more than average. I’ll never judge you for doing what you have to do because I know you have good senses and good reasons. Jackson’s entertainment branch, the studio I’m working for, Im Jaebum is one of the idols we manage.” 

Jinyoung’s head snaps up at the recognition of the name. A familiar sense of guilt gnaws in Jinyoung’s stomach. Ever since the release of his headline, his mind has been troubled by restlessness like hundreds of ants all crawling inside his head at once. Being stamped as a “paparazzi” further agitates him. There was no anticipation on his behalf that the scandal would blow up, and Jinyoung is caught into a turmoil of sickness.

“Hey, are you alright? You look like you’re gonna throw up. Jinyoung-ah, it’s okay. Just focus on breathing with me. Here, breathe in, breathe out, yes, that’s it. I’m really sorry for bringing it up; I should’ve waited until you want to talk about it. It’s just that, I feel guilty sitting here pretending that I’m not involved and I called for another reason too.” Mark swallows nervously. “I came with an offer?” 

Jinyoung furrows his brows in question, mind still cloudy, unable to comprehend Mark’s words.

“A job offer, from Jackson Wang. He’s setting up a new job title and he would like to know if you’re interested.” When Jinyoung’s gaze finally settles back onto him, Mark offers a smile.

“Is this an actual job offering or is this some sort of underground way of saying I should hand myself over to him and let him just finish me off?” Jinyoung says gingerly.

“Oh, Jinyoung-ah,” Mark’s voice smooth, “Jackson isn’t the type of person that seeks personal revenge as resolution. I’m pretty sure our team has sought out some scheme to control the damage. This is a genuine offer and I know we still have a lot to catch up to, but I really want you to consider it. Give Jackson a chance to explain himself and the offer, then make your decision? Please?”

Jinyoung concentrates on breathing in and out once more and silence stretches across them. He takes another sip of his coffee in the attempt to ease out some tension in his body, but the liquid has gone cold and sour. Mark reaches out for his hand to give a consoling squeeze, and the younger feels grateful. Mark may be slightly biased with his newly developed infatuation on Jackson, but he has never been blind to his senses. And this genuine offer from his friend envisages a clean closure. Jinyoung knows the guilt weighing heavily will not be lifted up soon; but it is a shot that temptingly promises partial absolution on his actions.

“Did you want to be the messenger or should I formally call him up and arrange a meeting?” Jinyoung says with some determination.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

_A wolf, slumping on thick snow, a blood trail laid behind it. Jinyoung looked down to his hands which he has lost his nerves to in the frostiness. They were shaking, the same shade of red as the wolf’s blood splayed across his palm, texture thick and velvet. Jinyoung stumbled and tripped, retrieving the dagger that had suddenly come into his sight lying by the kneeling wolf. Had he thrown it without a target only to hit the wolf haphazardly? He couldn’t remember what happened, only now tremendous guilt and fear weighing on him. Snow scarped against his knees burning him and every part of his body ached._

_“I’m sorry.” His voice broken, hiccupped by unadulterated despair and fright. His eyes kept shifting from his hands to the open flesh on the wolf’s shoulder. He screeched for help but it came out as strings of apologies in between sobs. The wolf howled in pain and Jinyoung felt it tremble in his heart._

Jinyoung shouts as he leaps off his bed in pooled sweat, his heart beating outside of his body and an aftermath panic washes over him. His room is suffocating with midnight summer heat; the time reads “3:00” on his phone. He scrambles to turn on his night light and begs his breathing to return to normal. Sleep eventually claims him again but his body in chilling dampness, his mind racing and his heart leaping beats. 

Three hours later Jinyoung is woken up by the alarm. Some of the fright from the nightmare still claims him, and apprehension like the devil’s hand scrunching up and pinching his stomach. Jinyoung contemplates if he should hail a taxi but decides it is not worth wasting money. The vibrating hum of public transport and buzzing noises of peak hour do nothing to calm his nerves and on several occasions he finds his knuckles turning white as he tries to ground himself to the present. The whole journey becomes a blur and the young boy finds himself being led into a meeting room of Wang Studio. Head swarming with anxious thoughts and hands clammy with sweat, Jinyoung pulls his focus back onto the man who is coming towards him. 

“Good morning, Jinyoung-ssi. I’m Jackson Wang. How are you today?” A hand extended towards Jinyoung and the owner flashing him a courteous smile.

Jinyoung takes the man’s hand and remains pliantly letting Jackson initiates the hand-shaking and following him to sit down by a wooden table. He shallowly breathes out and feels half of his mental effort already drained out. But he wills himself to listen. 

“So I think Mark has outlined the reason behind this meeting?” A nod and Jackson goes on, “Please rest assure we are making a sincere offer to you to work with us, in the management department. But you seem very puzzled, Jinyoung-ssi? Could I perhaps help clear out some of the confusion?”

“Well for one, I have no experience in management. My degree was in English Literature and I don’t think I’m looking for a career change.” 

“But if I may be so bold, your career compass wasn’t set on becoming a paparazzi either. I understand what people do for a living isn’t always their first preference. But this career change will at least triple your pay, and from the research I’ve been able to pull on you, I think you are very diligent and capable, in terms of learning new things and working in any direction. And not to be offensive towards your old employer, but I don’t recall seeing a literature publication from Today’s Entertainment magazine. Here though, we have our own publication branches and working in the same company will give you an advantage to get closer towards your dream. 

“Perhaps it will be more convincing if I also show you where I get from this offer. To be honest, we have covered up previous scandals like this on other less known idols, but we were somehow caught by surprise that it happened on Jaebum this time. My team has some top brains that already drew out schemes we can use. But there is a Chinese proverb called ‘亡羊补牢’. The way I interpret it, is that no matter how well you soothe the public and sweeten them afterwards, the damage is done and it is never healed, but merely covered up. Jinyoung-ssi, what good can I do if my management team and damage control team can’t work together?”

 “So you want me to help them both?”

“I believe the word used on your title would be ‘coordinator’.” Jackson’s eyes crinkle with mirth, appreciating that the younger boy sitting in front of him really is as quick on his brain as his academic transcript has promised.

“But you could just promote someone from one of your teams.”

“I could, but I believe in introducing new forces and creating new dynamics. I think your connection with other paparazzi and your way with words will also prove to be very practical in this circumstance.”

“You want a spy?”

“No, that would be illegal.” Jackson’s laugh is overly cheerful considering the context of their conversation. “But it’d be good if we can at least get some forecast signals before the earthquake strikes. At least we wouldn’t be too shook then.”  

“But I did this to you.” Jinyoung is taken by surprise at his own bluntness but he comes expecting a confrontation, and he does not like things being mellowed out. So he sits in his chair uncomfortably as the young CEO churns on his answer. 

“And the blow you delivered on Jaebum has really taken something out of us. It shows me the bugs I have in our system and what requires immediate attention. Besides, I’ve been thinking he can use someone like you.”

Jinyoung does not have time to decipher if he hears the last sentence right because the next second the door of the meeting room is knocked on and swung open and Jackson lights up. “Jaebum! Perfect timing! Meet your new personal affair coordinator --- Park Jinyoung-ssi.”

The brain is an amusing thing, Jinyoung recalls his psychology professor praising. In milliseconds, neurons fire millions of electric signals to each other and thoughts formed, carried across and registered by the CNS. In the three seconds that takes the subject of discussion to walk into the meeting room, three thoughts rise in Jinyoung’s head:

  1. _“Personal affair coordinator”? Is this just a sugar-coated name of personal assistant?_



  1. _I haven’t even said yes? Maybe he can tell I’m swaying on my feet but shouldn’t he make it professional and allow me at least a few days to consider his offer?_



  1. _Wait Im Jaebum. I’m Im Jaebum’s new personal ---_



 

Then his internal siren starts ringing. _Oh god. No_.

It is classic textbook case of fight-or-flight situation, finding a wolf in front of you in Alaska forests: Jinyoung’s heart beat skyrockets, blood rings in his ear and his knees bump against the desk as he shoots up from his seat ready to make an exit. But it is too late because the wolf makes eye contact with him and although his glucose level has spiked up ready to fight all Jinyoung does is freeze on his spot.

It is the same pair of eyes with two dots of moles, except now they are masked by politeness, remote and misty. Shock reflected instantly though at the star’s recognition of Jinyoung’s face. It is too soon to be reminded of the more risqué side of excitements those eyes could spark up, Jinyoung feels a flush rising to his face and immediately looks elsewhere. Jaebum’s hair is soft and unset. His face cleared of makeup only accentuating the smoothness and natural glow of the skin. And Jinyoung is momentarily distracted by how cute his nose is. The man’s aura is distinctive from the one in the nightclub; suppler yet still withholding, and indication of exhaustion around the lines of his eyes and tension around his mouth.

A hand swallowed by the jumper sleeve extends towards Jinyoung, its owner mutters out a courteous greeting. Jinyoung wonders if the flick of conflict in Jaebum’s eyes is one of his imagination.

 

* * *

 

Jaebum cannot quite put down the apprehension in his gut as he stands in his company lift; something tells him the meeting with his new coordinator is going to go wrong for more than one reason.

He didn’t feel angry when Jackson first flaunted the situation on him. He knew every move was reckless that night and luck did not exist in the realm of showbiz. He should have waited until Youngjae was in town, until his manager gave him the nod to go, or until he was shielded away by his closer group of friends. But logic also did not exist apparently when one’s mind was showered by months of media attention and public wooing. Years of training and experience from being an idol also apparently would not win against his libido, because when he drew eyes upon this seemingly nervous yet strangely captivating boy in the club, he found himself putting cautions to the wind. 

But the deer-like prey (a simile drew immediately when Jaebum locked eyes with the person, his eyes large and round, seemingly easy to be startled and ready to escape, movements graceful and cautious) had slipped from his stool and disappeared among the crowd, and all Jaebum felt was cold disappointment. He found himself unable to concentrate at the most inconvenient times. The mysterious face kept popping into his mind. Jaebum wondered if those lips felt as plump between his teeth, if his skin felt as silky underneath his touch, if he moaned as prettily as he looked and if he looked twice as exquisite if he let Jaebum wreck him.

Explaining to Jackson the night of the scandal might be more uncomfortable for him than his boundary-less friend, and so Jaebum stuck to listening to the CEO pretending to lecture him on the consequences. But as Jackson started introducing the latest plan of hiring a new “coordinator” for him, Jaebum felt his composure fleeing.

“You want me to work with the person that threw me into this distress? What game are you playing?”

Jackson was unfazed, foreseeing this would be part of his presentation. “Hyung, there’s a Chinese saying called ‘解铃还需系铃人’. It literally means that to untie the collar you need the person who tied it in the first place. I know we have top level management here and a strategy that would minimise the damage. But what bothers me the most, is that you have never been caught in the headline of any paparazzi.”

“So what, you just want to hire the one who so by chance caught me the first time and give him a prize?” 

“No. I know you’re a nerd and you probably don’t go out enough to deserve what the public see you as a playboy, but you also need inspirations and a breather sometimes. I want to make sure that you don’t suffocate in your apartment and go out responsibly. But I also know that you would prowl on the next cute guy you set your eyes on when you have some shots in you and some vague R&B music playing, so I need someone who can watch your ass for you when you can’t.” 

“But this is a paparazzi we’re talking about! Those kind of people will sell anything out for money!” Jaebum had resorted to shouting some senses into his CEO.

“This one is different,” Jackson all but grinned, “my men dug into his life deep enough that no dirt would be left unturned. And please, this is my company too. You just need to trust me on this, okay?”

Jaebum sighed into defeat.

 

What Jackson’s presentation did not draw up however, was the face of his new personal coordinator. As Jaebum walks into the office and the man in front of him turns around, he feels like his gut has been punched and air sucked out of his lung.

It was him, _the haunting_. Except illuminated by the ten o’clock sunlight the boy looks so young and earnest. His hair lustrously black and fringe set parted like symmetrical commas, luminous skin with a peachy blush on his cheekbones and the air around his body almost dainty. His eyes betray him though as they grow so large making their owner look like a deer caught in the head light.

Jaebum is lost as to which emotion he should feel; surprise is too mild for the anger he feels, thinking now that the whole nightclub rendezvous must have been a setup; rage is too aggressive for the gentleness the existence in front of him carries. So he picks up his industrial training and stores away all the emotions he needs to deal with later. His hand reaches out and a courteous greeting automatically said.

 

* * *

 

Just as the blurred out route he took when he came to the meeting in the morning, Jinyoung is sent home in a blur. Amidst of the shock and all other explosions of information, he could remember shaking the star’s hand with unease and jumpy with their skin contact. They go through some formal introduction under Jackson’s eyes and Jinyoung is reminded that he should start tomorrow by signing in at 9 o’clock sharp.

His house hollow when he finally finds himself lying on his sofa, staring at the ceiling blankly, physical and mental energy flushed out like water through gaps of fingers. He has received a text from Mark asking how the meeting has gone, but Jinyoung only stares at it for a few seconds before putting the phone down.

At this point, he does not think he knows anything anymore. Though he eventually curls up and lets unconsciousness take him, the sleep is fitful.

_He was thrown back to the same dream. Body trembled uncontrollably in a field covered in snow. The animal coated in grey fur with silver overtone was in front of him again. It had stopped bleeding yet the wound on the skin connecting with the neck and chest displayed bleakly, large and unyielding, flesh revealing, raw and blood red juxtaposing with the snow falling on top. He was suddenly aware of the heaviness of the dagger still weighing in his hand, and as if the wolf recognised the object of his injury, it closed up on Jinyoung. He stumbled backwards and fell, joints made immobile by the frost, and yet the eyes of the wild edged closer. They had hazel shades and dark brown iris that glinted dangerously. Bizarre familiarity of those eyes hit him but he was rocked back as the wolf growled. Red tongue showing and canine teeth ready to tear on any meat. Jinyoung froze in terror only to see the wolf drop his head low and turned, limping away._

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Fright mixed with exhaustion makes every part of Jinyoung ache. But there is also a lingering regret from his nightmare on his impediment to fully understand what it meant; he wishes he had done more. His alarm is blaring. It is 7:20 in the morning. And Jinyoung feels yesterday’s events might be only a preview to what he will have to go through, under his new job title.

A crisp breeze cheats through the Summer heat wave and slips into the bedrooms that both have left gaps in their windows. Soothing, Autumn becomes something two hearts simultaneously look for, unknowingly in unison and unknowingly to why they long for the season earlier than usual.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and as usual, I live for kudos and comments (any feedback would be highly appreciated). <3  
> Uni is starting again soon and I'm going to try to make updates monthly. Shoutout to user verse2jj and the anon on tumblr for making me finish and post this sooner than my procrastination would allow.


	3. Regression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> | “Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know before you learn it.” --- Maya Angelou |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm really liking how slowly they're falling in love with each other, and how soft they are. I hope you enjoy this instalment too.

Jinyoung’s phone pings when he is brushing his teeth; juggling the toothbrush in one hand he manages to open the text from an unknown number.

_023129485: Morning Jinyoung-ssi, this is Bambam, Jackson’s assistant. Please remember to sign in today at 9 o’clock and ask for me at the receptionist. They’ll send you up to the office. Good luck:)._

 

Jinyoung arrives at the reception desk right on ten to nine, fingers teetering on edge of the desk. The receptionist smiles in front of him.

“Hi, it’s my first day here. Mr Wang’s assistant said to ask for him --- I mean Bambam-ssi”.

“Yes, and what is your name, sir?”

“Park Jinyoung.”

“Thank you. Please take the lift around the corner. Bambam-ssi is waiting for you on the fifteenth floor.”

Jinyoung thanks the receptionist and proceeds. When the elevator door opens again the first thing he sees is the crown of a head bearing fiery red strands. Then a boy who he guesses no more than twenty-five with a model-like stance appears.

“Good morning, Jinyoung-ssi. I’m Bambam, nice to meet you.” The assistant’s smile is as warm as the hand he extends and slightly accented Korean words are spoken in fast pace. “The management team has called for an unscheduled meeting with Jaebum this morning, so I’ll take you there first. Then we can do some settling down and office tour afterwards.”

Jinyoung secretly grimaces when he finishes processing Bambam’s debrief; to think first day in his role and he is already sent to the scene. Nonetheless, he tries to keep up the secretary’s brisk pace and with a knock on the door, he is ushered into a room of four people including the subject of his distress for these past weeks.

On first glance, Jinyoung can feel coldness coming from the idol. The rejection makes Jinyoung shiver and his skin prickle under the air conditioner. Jaebum shifts in his chair subtly and casts a look at him before turning back to face the others again. Even though the idol’s expression remains nonchalant, Jinyoung cannot help but feel his stomach drop and blood gushes to his head. Between the electric and conflicting introduction they had yesterday, and today’s dismissive treatment, the younger feels adamantly lost. He clings onto some wild hope, coming to his first day and only knowing Jaebum in this office, he thought maybe the man will go easy on him. But as he reminiscences on the softness and hesitance in Jaebum’s eyes from yesterday, he finds the man has forged his reservedness like ice shields. On every previous occasion Jinyoung has been mesmerized by the capacity those eyes could convey and conjure feelings, bitterly they have chosen to deny Jinyoung’s hope right now. Jaebum’s attitude makes the temperature in the room drops impossibly lower and Jinyoung feels his body frozen in place, petrified. Thankfully a voice clear and bright breaks up the tension and writer turns his head to the rescue.

“Hi, Jinyoung-ssi. I’m Sona and I’m in charge of the management team. It might be too much pushing this on you on your first day, but it’ll be good for you to grasp what we do. So please take a seat and we’ll continue our discussion.”

A file is handed to him from another management team member. Jinyoung flips through it as soon as he sits down and realises it is the damage control plan Jackson has briefly mentioned. But what is the problem here and why does it seem like there’s a negotiation on hold with everyone tensed up?

“I’m not publishing this.” Jaebum says with obstinacy. He is referring to a drafted statement which opens with Jaebum’s sincere apology on causing distress, but the underlying idea is to direct all responsibility on the club’s faulted security for letting underage girls slip in. As Jinyoung skims through he can clearly pick out certain choice of words used to segregate Jaebum’s connection with Youngjae, and suggest the bar owner’s incompetence in his business. _So the solution is to shift public attention to an easy targe_ t, Jinyoung falls silent.

“Jaebum, Youngjae has already said he is responsible for this and he will issue a statement regardless. We’re not shifting the blame because it’s not yours to hold in the first place.” Sona says with equal resolve.

“It was my decision to dance with the girls and Youngjae was out of town that night. If we put this on him he might lose his share from the stakeholders.”

“But wouldn’t the police be already on their investigation in this?”

It’s spur of the moment but it’s too late when Jinyoung registers his own voice. A scoff comes immediately. “And what do _you_ know about the Law? Doing the right thing, etc.? What do you know about work ethic? Or anything ethic in that sense? You do know what we’re fixing here right? _Your_ story. If you and your colleagues know what ethic and privacy is, we won’t even be here. I know my decision is reckless and I honestly should’ve known better than to let some guy _distract_ me,” Jaebum is full on sneering now, a low blow on the secret shared only between them, “but if anything, I’m gonna take this on me the whole way. It’s not Youngjae’s fault and the last thing he needs is some media tailing after him.”

There is nothing explicit in Jaebum’s words that attacks Jinyoung in the open, besides humiliating him by exposing his work in front of his new colleagues. In panic, Jinyoung finds himself weak on the defence over Jaebum’s sudden outburst, pride crumbling and left to rot in the awkward silence of the room. Jaebum’s eyes are even glassier with the fit of emotion he has riled up, his pupils almost dilating. They look like the wolf’s from Jinyoung’s nightmare. Except they’re not displaying pain as they were in the dream, but a blood-thirsty greed and a raw satisfaction on tearing down his opponent.

Out of his burning cornea, Jinyoung detects the stiffness of Sona and her team, obviously taken slightly aback at how personal the topic of discussion has turned. But if there is one thing Jinyoung hates more than having his pride torn, it is the queasy feeling of pretence peace. This being his first day he has nothing at stake but the desperation to relieve his guilt and anger, so Jinyoung shoots up from his seat and with a tightly gathered composure he asks, “Can we please take a moment outside, Jaebum-ssi? I think there’s something we might need to talk about first.”

Jinyoung can hear reluctant footsteps trailing behind him as he walks straight out of the door; he tries to regulate his breathing to unnerve himself but air bulges at his throat. He doesn’t know where he should take them and he doesn’t know how he is going to start. Distracted, he wonders if anyone has ever made such a request on the idol and what a scene he is causing.

The pair ends up on an open patio. The midday sun of August hanging high and unapologetically, basking them and everything around in over exposure. Jinyoung finds his heartbeat back as he lets his body soaks up the heat, taking the coldness of the air-conditioned room away from beneath his skin and regains control over his body and mind. It is now or never, and confrontation only worsens when prolonged. He turns around to properly face the man who surprisingly looks a touch more vulnerable in the open air. Maybe it is the unexpected action of his new staff, maybe it is the change to a less familiar territory. Either way, Jinyoung finds more ground and holds onto it.   

“Look, I don’t really know how to put this but I’m sorry for what I have done. Believe me that I didn’t know what my work would put you and everyone else through. I didn’t know and it wasn’t personal. I just needed a living and that was the closest thing I could get. I didn’t know what I was doing either, that night, with everything. It doesn’t feel good to me either that I’m hired to solve the mess I stirred up. I don’t know if this is some sort of psychological game your boss is playing, but I’m hired to do this job, and since I’m convinced that it’ll be worth it, I’m gonna try my best. I know it’s not practical to think we can just wipe the tally off and be friends. But constantly fighting is a waste of energy. You’re smarter than the rest, because when I put your name in our search engine, nothing came up. Your record was clean before I did that. So maybe, I don’t know, you just need to take it as it is?  This isn’t just your fault; it is your friend’s too --- “

Jaebum’s shoulder tenses up again, bristling. Yet Jinyoung braves on.

“I know he was out of town and it wasn’t physically his fault. But it was part of his management and his guards’, so even if those underage girls didn’t get caught this time, who knows who or what will be sneaked into next time ---“

“You think you’re doing him and me a favour then? What with exposing us?”

“No! That’s not what I’m saying! I know what I did was wrong on many levels, but for once, could you please just take a break from your hero complex. Just, can we please just do this professionally, Jaebum-ssi? I’m so tired and it’s only been half of a day. I wasn’t hired to be your personal dummy so you can take it out on me whenever your self-pity wallows you. I’m hired to fix things and make sure shit like this doesn’t happen again so just let me do my job? This will be so much efficient if you would just store away the hate till after-work hours. Constantly pressing what I did in my face isn’t helping either of us. If you want people to stop pushing this scandal on you and your friend, you need to stop pushing it on me first so I can focus.”

Jinyoung finds himself short on breath and the last few words are choked out instead of spoken. As if all this talking has drained away Jaebum’s fight too, his shoulder drops. Jinyoung, always relying people’s initiation for a handshake, extends his hand towards the older man, “I’m sorry for what I did to you and your friend but it wasn’t personal; I was new to the whole paparazzi thing and I couldn’t forecast how much unnecessary damage it could do. Can we please call it a truce and maintain professional, at least until both of us get the resolution we deserve?”

The muttered “Okay” by Jaebum is slippery, like a ten-year-old kid being forced to shake hands with his primary school arch-nemesis; his grip on Jinyoung’s hand is strong enough however, to convince the younger some temporary relief.

As Jinyoung trails behind Jaebum back to the meeting room keeping a safe distance, he feels the air has shifted between them. It isn’t friendliness yet, but rather openness. It could be the sun that has seeped into Jinyoung’s bones during their heated argument, or it could be the sweat worked out during the confrontation, either way every inch of his body feels lax, like part of the knots he has been carrying around for a month have been untied and taken away. Remnants of adrenaline still runs in him making his head dizzied and heart bouncing. Out of all the Korean drama tropes, confrontation with a million-dollar-earning idol is definitely one that Jinyoung always ridicules at. He sighs into disbelief at what a turn his life has taken. From the intoxicating rendezvous at the club, to the exhilarating confrontation on the first day, Jaebum has become the unchanging motif in bringing out facets of Jinyoung he himself does not know. Mindlessly gazing on the broad shoulders in front, Jinyoung momentarily wonders if Jackson’s publication offer and money are the only things making him stay. Why has he been so determined to explain himself today, when normally he would have resolved it more diplomatically? As Jinyoung’s thoughts keep him distracted until they reach the room, Jaebum must have lowered his guard too, because surprise is written on Sona’s face for the second time, even when she tries to disguise it. The air in the meeting room flows more easily with the sun-kissed warmth the pair brings back. Their discussion starts again as everyone settles into their chairs.

“How’s your penmanship, Jinyoung-ssi?” Sona casually asks as the meeting closes to the end, and everyone looks at the writer expectedly. For the second time, Jinyoung feels his cheeks coloured as he is put on the spot, not knowing which kind of writing Sona is referring to.

“I did Literature in uni, if that’s what you’re asking…”

“Good. Could you draft the new statement for Jaebum then, and Youngjae too, as Youngjae wants the version that gives us the vantage point.”

 

* * *

 

The forty-eight hours ensue see the office whirled into hectic business. Jinyoung knows Sona has been considerate and the major task assigned to him is only the two statements required drafting; however, everything from the stationaries on his desk to the right Email address to CC come unfamiliar to him. His life seems to be set in a completely different motion, checking memos while brushing his teeth and scheduling daily priority list while gulping down instant coffee. There are mini meetings with Jaebum, Youngjae and Sona to make sure the final statements snatch all three approvals. Apart from that, however, there is no interaction between him and the idol. Jinyoung catches sights of the older here and there, but he feels like even in the same office they are two planets circling in two orbits. He secretly imagines that it is for the best, for although Jaebum has kept the truce and left out any hints of personal resentment whenever they work together in the office, there is deep uncertainty to whether their exchange in a more intimate circumstance will be smooth sailing or disastrous.

The writer definitely is not complaining on the days filled with white sheets of paper flying around and beeping of computer and faxing machine. Rather, he finds himself partially submerged in his true elements. Drafting conference statements and invitation Emails certainly are not the highlight of English Literature, but anything that allows him to get his hands on writing creates a small space for him to breathe, and to let himself assimilate into the alien working environment in his pace. Carrying out each step of the plan drawn has also sent Jinyoung onto his path of recovery; maybe it is due to exhaustion from work, or from his conscience being free from the guilt, Jinyoung is relieved the wolf from his previous nightmares has not visited him since. He still finds his jaw clenched hard when he wakes up, anxiety for the upcoming Press latching onto him the moment his eyes open, but at least he knows it will most likely release him when everything is finished. 

Two days before Jaebum’s Press, the final statements are officially set. Sona then shifts him to the sub-unit of media connection as they are experiencing difficulties in drawing up important journalists to come to the Press in such short notice. In the end, Jinyoung resorts to seeking external help from Kim Yugyeom, a boy who he has been taking care of like his little brother since university days. Yugyeom is a freelance blogger who promotes different things and events on his social media, much like Mark. But he works with a broader range of content and has crafted his manipulative skills to something more sophisticated than his age owns. His network of contact includes real names in the journalism industry that would not normally be associated with his own, but somehow obtained thanks to the charisma the young boy was born with and Jinyoung secretly admires at times. 

The night before the press, Jinyoung finally gets off his phone with Yugyeom and discharges the younger back to his life. He has double checked with everyone to ensure his part of the job is finished, from printing out the statements and checking they are put into the folder for Jaebum and Youngjae tomorrow, to the list of all journalists that have confirmed their attendance and cross-checking their publication companies. As he twirls around in his chair he realises all his colleagues have greeted him goodbye one by one, the fluorescent office lights making the space seem so much more abandoned, and he sees his own reflection on the glass window against the city landscape outside. The tic-toc of the clock echoes and the hands point right at eight. He stretches his arms and legs like a cat and yearns lazily, feeling his stomach growl.

As he walks towards the mini kitchen he jumps at something moving on the patio. Suspicious and slightly scared, he grabs a wooden spatula (lying in sink of the kitchen for reasons unknown) and head towards the shadow. Just a few meters away from the intruder, he sees the familiar brown hair, curls ruffled by the playful breeze.

“Thought I was the only one left.” Jinyoung says quietly, hesitant to disrupt the peace. The figure sat on the steps almost jumps and turns around, but the face softens at the recognition that it’s the new assistant and a small amused smile shows.

“That’s what I thought too.”

Jinyoung with one foot out on the patio has half of his body being seduced by the summer heat, and one hand still grasping the handle of the door not knowing if Jaebum welcomes a companion. A strong whirl of wind whistles away some petals from the Plumeria tree and twirl around the quiet man. Jinyoung fancies for a second if the linen shirt on Jaebum will have the fragrance of the yellow white flowers.

“Want one?” The older brings him out of his thoughts and raises a can of beer.

Slowly letting go of the door, Jinyoung takes it as an invitation to make himself comfortable on a spot next to Jaebum. The ground still radiates the heat absorbed from the day, with air around them warm and liquid as the August sun has melted and turned itself invisible at night. Jinyoung stretches his legs out on the ground and looks up, he struggles to make out one or two constellation twinkling on the dark velvety sky.

“Ah, sorry,” Jinyoung then remembers Jaebum is still holding the can which is now dripping with condensation, carefully searching for the slightest annoyance on the idol’s face, but finds none. Rather, he seems to be amused with Jinyoung prioritising the view. “Uh, no, thank you. I don’t drink on workdays.”

The statement is partially true but judging from the uncanny situation the two met in, it sounds almost like an inside joke. There is still a tangled web of events waiting for them to acknowledge and resolve, and Jinyoung thinks drinking together in such an intimate setting doesn’t count as making progress. Nor should they interact with alcohol in their system again until they untie all events that bonded them together in the first place. Jaebum raises his eyebrows in challenge, but it doesn’t have heat because his eyes crinkle with mirth.

“That wasn’t, that was uh, circumstantial.” The unsaid memory comes back to both. If Jaebum thinks Jinyoung is lying to get out of an impending conversation, he does not point it out. Instead, he offers a bag full of cashews. They sit in silence as Jinyoung gracefully takes a handful and starts chewing on them in earnest. The whispering wind has settled down and dissipated into coolness in the air. A quite literal midsummer night’s dream, Jinyoung cannot help but indulges himself, except with the absence of love, only a sequence of chaotic events follows.

Their building isn’t located at the centre of the city, but being on the more outskirt of the CBD, they own the sight of lights from every architecture in front of and beneath them. Traffic bustling fifteen levels down, and Seoul dwellers, middle-aged men and women in business suits and flocks of young school girls in their white tucked-in shirts and short skirts, walk past the golden pedestrian signs and stores. Human voices and engine noises blend together, as Jinyoung searches for a word in his head to describe how sounds seem to be trapped beneath them. Straight ahead are grids of offices still lit by white bright lights, and further into the distance, higher up, the city lights and fluorescent signs melt into the dark canvas. The writer struggles to tell if they are stars, or man-made electricity. It feels surreal to be pulled back to his spot, suddenly realising there are plotted plants hanging above him with leaves that dangle when the wind sways them in a lullaby. There are small but tidily trimmed bushes around the glass fences and some Hardenburgia that climb on the concrete wall.

“You nervous? About tomorrow’s press?” Jaebum asks silently.

“Yes, kind of.” Jinyoung figures if Jaebum is still sitting here, he must also be bothered by something as well. “Are you?”

There is a short pause and the idol turns to half-face him; in the haziness, Jinyoung can see a light flush on those cheeks. From drinking, or from the following confession, or both.

“Yeah, I’ve never needed to do this before.” Jaebum’s voice is feather-light, swishing into the night if Jinyoung hasn’t caught it before it dissolves in the air. Tiny uncertainty has woven itself into his voice. “I haven’t had any experience doing this, and I don’t even know if I need to practise it either,” he chuckles, “I mean, I’m only reading a statement from word to word in front of maybe ten, fifteen journalists, right? It’s not like they will even respond to me." 

Jaebum turns his gaze back to the spot ahead, and the writer indulges himself to stare at his side profile some more. Soft illumination has blurred his edges into the background, thawing his dominant daylight persona. The collar of his shirt brushes the bare skin of his neck carelessly, and Jinyoung feels he is simultaneously too close and too far away. An urge to get closer, to have some sort of skin contacts rushes to him. He amuses himself with the idea of the cashews being spiked. The neon lights are reflected on every rise and swallowed in every dip of Jaebum’s face structure. And Jinyoung feels --- dazed; every feature the man carries is even more endearing being examined this close: the two moles hidden under his wind-swept fringe, the slop of his nose, the soft smooth cheeks, pink lips full and eyes shimmering in the shadows casted by the eyelashes. He finds himself slowly forgetting to breathe, for the second time, on the same patio. And at that moment he thinks he finally cracks the code for his sweeping popularity --- there is something breathtaking about the man in his sight. Im Jaebum is heartbreakingly beautiful, talented and expressive. He looks like he can break any heart with a flick of fingers, breaks his own heart willingly by falling in love, and breaks the public’s heart with a reckless move.

 _Maybe that’s why there is such a mess on the scandal,_ Jinyoung’s heart skips a beat, _because they liked him too much to let it slide._

“I just imagine it to be like a movie press conference? Except it’s less celebratory, I guess.” Jaebum looks confused at his words and Jinyoung finds it adorable as he explains, “You said you didn’t really know what to expect in tomorrow’s press.”

“Oh, maybe,” Jaebum smiles softly, “but much less celebratory. I’m more worried about how the rest of the media will take it. You know, if there’s gonna be another day long discussion of me on TV and online articles.”

“I guess part of it could be your anxiety from the media because of how recently you just went through their attack on you…” 

There is a pause as Jinyoung tries to decide whether the lingering question is too much. But Jaebum is mostly facing him now and there is expectance in his eyes for him to finish his sentence. His face open and patient. 

“Was it hard when you first saw my headline?”

“It was more like, feeling surreal but at the same time becoming hypersensitive. I’m still very young in this industry, and I have never seen my face plastered on TV and articles around so many negative comments. And when they mentioned Youngjae’s name on the broadcast I felt guilty; because of my reckless move and my weird relationship with paparazzi his career is on the line.” 

“Sorry.” Jinyoung whispers.

“It’s not completely your fault, even though I didn’t wanna admit it. I mean the first person I turned my anger to was you --- whoever that sent those photos to the magazine --- and I know it’s bad that his bouncers let underage girls in, but I just thought under a less exposed situation, maybe there could’ve been a more private way of resolving it. And I kept thinking, if I hadn’t been too caught up in other things, I might’ve been more cautious. Like you said, I’ve held a pretty clean record before this.”

Jinyoung can feel his ears heating up, matching the shades of flush rising on Jaebum’s cheeks. The coolness has disappeared, and the late night heat coaxes them into a bubble away from the city buzzing. 

Everything seems still, but his mind feels blurry. And in the moment Jinyoung finds himself reaching out and giving Jaebum’s shoulder a light tap. “It’s okay. I think. Tomorrow’s press will be fine.”     

Jaebum smiles in return, so genuine it turns his eyes into crescents and deepens his dimples. Jinyoung gets lost trying to grasp the déjà vu feeling of having read about the same smile somewhere in the novels, his heart suddenly warm and full.  

The pair indulge themselves in a hypnotising silence. The stillness has stretched into eternity before Jaebum speaks up again, voice low and smooth.

“As therapeutic as this has been, it's getting late. Makeup noona will scold me if she has to conceal my eye bags tomorrow. So I should get going.” He slowly rises to his feet and picks up the unopened beer, but leaving the bag of cashews to the other. “Good night, Jinyoung-ssi, don't stay up too late worrying.” He winks jokingly.

“Good night, Jaebum-ssi." The words come out slurry complimented by an idle hand wave; Jinyoung really feels drunk.  _But on what?_ He asks himself. Puzzled, he decides he can seek out the answer on another day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, I live for kudos and comments <3 
> 
> (I apologise for any grammatical and spelling mistakes even though I've edited it a dozen times they still slide through sometimes;;)
> 
> I want to thank all the comments I have received from previous chapters; your kind words and helpful feedbacks are really the main things keeping me going, apart from my love for writing and jjp ;)


	4. Multiplication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> | “Angels fighting over who gets to touch your lips first. I haven’t kissed anyone since I kissed you.” – Unknown |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not keeping up with the monthly update promise and being more than a month late; uni is more or less ravaging me. I hope you enjoy this chapter till the end;) 
> 
> Note: The change of POV is denoted at the start of each section.

Jinyoung’s POV

Jinyoung chuckles looking at the man kneeling next to ball of ginger fur. Who knew Jaebum would have enjoyed himself so much that he stays behind after all the journalists are gone and proceed to pet the strayed kittens more? He thinks back to the meeting with Jackson and Jaebum when he first proposed the idea of making Jaebum the spokesperson for Animal Rescue Korea. Jaebum had been hesitant on how it would “soften” his image and that it wouldn’t suit the angst theme of his upcoming comeback either. But Jinyoung had whined and pouted to Jackson’s amusement (and possibility to his own). If the CEO was puzzled by the borderline flirty nature of the interaction between the idol and his new assistant, he didn’t say anything but to watch the persuasion continue. Considering Jinyoung had only been entrusted complete responsibility of Jaebum’s schedule recently, challenging his idol might not have been the most sensible. A small sense of achievement blooms inside as he ponders that had it not for his scheme, no one in Korea would have seen Jaebum in this light. Even though Jaebum was mostly talking during the event, everyone behind the cameras were melting a bit inevitably at the display of compassion. He’s glad Jackson has also indulged him in this too, as the company rarely makes their first-line idol do something he doesn’t want to. 

On the other hand, Jinyoung’s mind wanders to all the probabilities of discovering more sides of Jaebum no one has seen before. In front of him is the man who has mastered smouldering indifference on stage and approachable vibes in photoshoots, who turns into a high school kid at this very moment. He reminds him a boy who has skipped classes and sneaked out of school just to feed the stray cats on the street. His idol personality is shed and his aura blends in with the rest of the vet. For god’s sake, the man is so submerged in his own world that he is unconsciously making cooing noises as he strokes the kitten’s chin. Accidentally touching the kitten’s whisker, the little ball of fur shoots up its head and viciously growls at the human --- or as viciously as it can be with its tiny body. Its paws threatening to scratch Jaebum’s forearm, but the latter seems all the more entertained. His smile grows to a teeth-showing grin and cocks his eyebrows as if challenging the kitten to strike. The pair goes into a minute-long staring contest until the kitten deems bored and proceeds to snuggles closer into his lap, allowing the human to continue his petting. Jinyoung observes silently, unable to help himself from comparing the idol hours ago in front of the cameras and the boy sitting on the floor right now. It surprises him a bit to see how natural Jaebum was to the strayed cats and the way the animals accepted him; fondness itches at his heart like being lightly scratched by a kitten’s claw. 

Jinyoung realises he is daydreaming again while his gaze is stilled locked on Jaebum. When his focus comes back he is caught Jaebum looking back at him, a tiny smile tugging at his lips. He still hasn’t stopped stroking the ginger fur and the kitten looks either asleep, or too comfortable to move. As much as he would like to stand there and watch Jaebum pet cats all day, they do have comeback schedule to attend to, so he points at the watch on his wrist and signals the idol it’s time to go. Jaebum smiles apologetically and nods, before he carefully pushes himself up with his legs and walks towards him, the kitten still cradled in his arms. 

“I want to adopt her.” He says gently; the kitten must have really fallen asleep then. 

“Are you sure?”, Jinyoung whispers back, “you’re gonna be really busy and you might not be home for a lot of times; she might need more attention…”

Jaebum takes in Jinyoung’s words and nods. “I know. But I’ve been considering it seriously for some time now, about getting a kitten. Whenever I don’t have work I stay at home, and some comeback stuff can be done at home too. It’d be nice to have some company.” 

“Okay then.” Jinyoung doesn’t bother containing his own smile when Jaebum beams at him for gaining his assistant’s approval. The man turns around and walks towards the registration desk, his broad silhouette mellowed out basking in the afternoon sunlight. Honestly, the way his idol is branded with a salty image is beyond Jinyoung’s comprehension.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The next morning when Jinyoung walks into his office his footsteps are light for inexplicable reasons; he has woken up with a bubbly vibe. Perhaps it is self-congratulation for revealing another side of Jaebum that no one has succeeded in doing before, or the fact that his new role of personal assistant has settled on a smoother track. His colleagues must have noticed this and all greeted him with amused smiles on their faces. 

“Good morning, Jinyoung-ssi!” Sona’s voice chirpy and bright; the director has clearly perfected the biological clock of working so early in the morning. “Jackson wants to speak with you in his office.” 

“Morning, Sona-ssi.” Jinyoung nods with an equally warm smile in return. “Thanks, I’ll go up after I put my stuff down.” 

The lift pings open at Jackson’s office level and he almost bumps into a swishing shadow as the door opens. Two apologies mutter simultaneously and Jinyoung recognises the other as Bambam. The secretary has dyed his hair to an ash-silver colour and it takes the older a few seconds to let his eyes fall back to the young boy’s face. 

“Hi hyung! Nice seeing you, well more like bumping into you, hahaha. I’ve gotta run right now but congrats on yesterday’s event! It was great! I think Jackson was particularly impressed with you. You’re here to speak with him right? That’s good, because he will tell you the party he’s planning! Which is the exact reason why I seem to be running on fire right now! Anyways I would love to catch up with you soo—” Jinyoung barely makes out the most of the secretary’s string of words before the elevator door closes on his last syllable. 

“Well, my birthday is coming up and I was thinking about, well more like it’s already been decided that I’m gonna host a party at my villa outside of Seoul.” Jackson starts explaining after they greet each other. 

“Like a huge one?” 

“Yes.” Jackson grins excitedly. 

“But given that we’ve only recently recovered from Jaebum’s scandal, is it a good idea?” 

“Well, I know you’d worry about it, which is why I wanna talk to you beforehand. There’ll be guards and it’s an invite only so apart from people trying to take photos from the outside there won’t be anyone taking photos from the inside. At least not for bad intentions.” Jinyoung cringes at the last sentence, the tiniest guilt still hangs onto him no matter how long it had been. 

“Okay, then. It seems like you have it planned. It is your birthday so you should celebrate it however you’d like.” 

“Well, there is one tiny concern. Jaebum doesn’t exactly hold the highest alcohol tolerance so I was hoping maybe you could just keep an eye on him during the party to make sure he doesn’t go too far from four shots.” 

“So you want me to babysit him.” 

“Partially. We’re all friends there but some people just like edging people on with alcohol in parties, so I wanna tell you this just in case. Oh and bring someone with you like a plus-one so it doesn’t seem like you’re really there to babysit him.” 

Jinyoung gives Jackson an understanding nod.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Jinyoung isn’t a stranger to party scenes having lived on campus in university and hung out with people like Yugyeom. But being post-graduate and having an office job are life events that bar him from feeling of young and wild he once did. He can see celebrities both from their companies and other companies throwing their heads back laughing, each holding a glass of champagne or wine that have been imported from obscure regions in the world and probably carry taxes more expensive than he would ever like to know. His friend that he has brought as his plus-one however takes in the sight with much more excitement and is already bopping his head to the music. Jinyoung is secretly glad Jackson suggested the idea to him because it sure feels better to have someone hype it up for you along. 

“Hyung! Woah, hello! Are you by any chance, Bang Yongguk-ssi?” Yugyeom’s voice is heard before his face comes out of the dark. Jinyoung is already sighing in disbelief. Of course the younger is going to throw all his attention on his friend. 

“Hi Yugyeom.” Jinyoung attempts to wedge himself in between before Yugyeom crowds Yongguk too fast and too early in the night. “Wait, how did you get an invitation into the party?” 

“I gave him one.” Heads turn to another mysterious voice stepping out from the dark. “Hi, Jinyoung-hyung.” Bambam says cheerfully and giving the older a hug. “I’m glad you made it!”

“Hey, Bambam. I didn’t know you and Yugyeom know each other?” Jinyoung squints at the two sceptically.

“We met each other at Jaebum’s press release. He’ll be useful to us in the long run so why not make him one of us right?” Bambam’s eyes glint with mischief and Jinyoung doesn’t particularly wants to dwell into what these two could be up to. So before he lets Yugyeom harass his friend more, he guides Yongguk’s elbow to leave the conversation, telling the others that they should go say hi to the birthday boy and host. 

Jackson is conversing casually with Youngjae and Jaebum when Jinyoung spots him. The three of them standing underneath a silver light look dashing in their well-fitting suits. It is not surprising that with such a high profile invitation, everyone puts in considerate effort to look good. But Jaebum as Jinyoung cannot help but take in with his biased eyes, looks so effortlessly handsome. His face is clear of worries and youthfulness radiates from him as he lets his laugh out freely among the circle of friends. His eyes turning into crescents and dimples showing. When Jackson realises Jinyoung is there the other two also turn around; and Jinyoung trains himself to maintain eye contacts with the host as feels Jaebum’s gaze fall heavily on him. 

“Jinyoung! Hello, you made it!” Jackson clasps the older’s back excitedly and grasps on his arm. Tipsy Jackson is definitely more handsy than usual. “And you brought Bang Yongguk as your plus-one? No wonder Yongguk told Bambam he didn’t need an invitation when I sent it to him!”

Youngjae is glancing curiously back and forth on Jinyoung and his friend, and Jinyoung is starting to doubt his decision of bring Yongguk as his plus-one is a good one. After all, Yongguk is one of the hottest producers and self-made artists at the moment --- a celebrity. Jinyoung has learnt it the hard way that people like casting fires of rumours from mere glimpses and he’d really rather not deal with another one so soon. Yongguk seems to catch on from his momentary anxiety and subtly touches his elbow, trying to ground him back to the present. Jinyoung looks up to his friend and purses his lips into a tight smile, telling him he’s okay. Someone clears their throat at their exchange. 

“Hey Yongguk, long time no see.” 

“Jaebum! I almost didn’t recognise you with your hair pushed back and looking all idol-like!” Yongguk exclaims with happy surprise written all over his face. 

“You know each other as well?” Jinyoung asks incredulously. 

“Yeah,” Jaebum chuckles, “we kind of had a very brief trainee period together before Yongguk here decides branded as an idol is too corporate for his artistic pursuit.” 

“Hyung, you were a trainee? You’ve never told me!” Jinyoung looks up to his friend and accuses, only to have Yongguk smiles sheepishly. 

“So anyways, how did you two meet?” Jaebum gestures at Yongguk’s fingers still holding onto his assistant’s arm, and Jinyoung thinks it might be the lights dimming above that makes Jaebum’s eyes fall a bit duller. 

“We were in the same university literature course together.” Yongguk says, “And Jinyoung was our lecturer’s protégé; I swear most of the Eng-lit cohort has at least heard his name once.” 

Jinyoung’s face heats up hearing this and mutters a few denials under his breath. 

“No it’s true!” Yongguk laughs and goes on, seemingly unaware of the unease that is creeping onto Jinyoung again and how his friend’s body has tensed up under Jaebum’s curious gaze. 

The rest of the night at the party goes by with loud mingling over noisy music and overflowing alcohol. It strangely gives Jinyoung a sense of déjà vu. Yongguk sticks by his side like the responsible plus-one he is and fulfilling his duty of making sure the younger is enjoying the party. At times though, when Yongguk is deep in conversation with someone else, Jinyoung’s eyes would subconsciously trail across the room and fall to search for a familiar face instead. It doesn’t help that Jinyoung jolts slightly and adrenaline spikes through him when he finds Jaebum’s eyes are always on him. Jinyoung wonders how every time he feels as if he has been caught in the headlight when Jaebum is the one who is staring; nervous anticipation bubble inside him even though he does not understand what it is for. He tries to relieve the knots in his stomach when Yongguk leads him to the dance floor and he forces himself to concentrate on moving his body to the music. Impulsively the younger downs his plus-one’s tequila desperately trying to loosen himself up, having felt like being bounded under Jaebum’s gaze for the whole night. He keeps their bodies close when Yongguk circles his arms around his waist and tunes their moves to the same rhythm. Jinyoung appreciates the low hum of Yongguk’s voice in their proximity and bites his own lips, before raking his glance down their lower halves that are touching now and then. The last shot of tequila seems to be getting into his head now as his can feel his mind going blurry and his action getting bolder; Jinyoung experimentally grinds his crotch against his partner all the while bashfully looking up the taller through his eyelashes. A mistake was made and a whine catches at his throat as he accidentally looks beyond the shoulder of Yongguk and sees the full blow pupils of Jaebum even in the dirtiest lighting. The air seems to filled with smoke and his eyes are glassy from the alcohol and arousal but realisation hits Jinyoung that in any circumstances he will find Jaebum’s eyes and they’ll almost always be on him. It’s a strange realisation, one that makes the writer suddenly giddy yet troubled at the same time, like he is being pulled into a game without fully understanding the rules. Jinyoung’s mind burns with the desire to find out what would have ensued if he hadn’t slipped away that night after he had taken the photos. 

Perhaps that is why Jinyoung finds himself sitting in the front seat of Jaebum’s black Cadillac instead of in the backseat of a taxi with Yongguk. In a blur, Jaebum has smoothly taken a swaying Jinyoung from Yongguk’s arms at the door when the party starts dissolving; the idol has insisted to get Yongguk a taxi while he himself sees Jinyoung home as he hasn’t drunk a single drop tonight and would like to discuss some comeback promotions on their way. Yongguk churned on Jaebum’s excuse for a bit seeing it wasn’t the most convincing, but Jaebum’s had shown increasing assertiveness and the youngest of the three has somehow conveniently planted himself on the idol’s shoulder, too dazed to support his own weight. Before the Cadillac drives away Jinyoung with his glazed eyes also saw Mark getting into a car with Jackson but decided to file that information for later. 

The engine purrs as the wheels smoothly comes into contact with the road. It is deep into the night and the streets are deserted left the burnt out orange lights over their head. Jinyoung feels more drunken on the proximity of sitting next to the man he hasn’t been able to take his mind of for the whole night (and possibly the whole month). The air of dominance and confidence on Jaebum when he gets his hands on the wheel is something the writer loses his grip of self-control on. The small space, the silence within contrasting with the swishing shadows passing outside the windows, the driver’s concentration and his ease, the way he makes the car accelerates with so much power, and makes it turn with a smooth swift of his hands, the hidden notion of placing his life literally on the other man’s hands. It’s suffocating, the tension, and it takes Jinyoung’s mind to a darker turn of imagining a particular pair of hands holding him down, imprinting possessive bruises on his skins in another context. 

The air becomes even heavier when the Cadillac arrives at the curb in front of Jinyoung’s apartment, and the same heavy gaze falls onto Jinyoung’s face again. The younger could feel heat rising all the way to his face; it’s like the liquor he has consumed is ignited flames under Jaebum’s feverish attention on him. His feet shift and his hands itching to reach for the door, but the rest of his flushed body being pinned and feeling too weak to move. 

“Thanks for taking me home.” The words come out raspy and tight, and Jinyoung cringes at how much arousal he is showing with it. 

“It’s okay.” 

It isn’t fair the way Jaebum’s voice sounds deeper and velvety this late at night, making the younger wanna melt on his spot even more. Jinyoung keeps his eyes straight on the empty road as he lets words flow out of his mouth without thinking. 

“That night at the club I really didn’t know what I was doing.” He almost regrets as soon as he says it but he feels though he needs to clear this up before they could really progress further into their relationship at work. “I’m sorry it just happened to be you, and I really didn’t plan it. I didn’t, I never thought about doing anything as a distraction either like you said last time…” His voice dies down in embarrassment, blushing to the colour of ripening peaches at the recall of Jaebum’s harsh accusation last time in the meeting. Jaebum swallows hard. “I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me either, I just don’t want you to have that doubt in your mind. I’m not someone who schemes on people like that.” 

There is a very brief silence and Jinyoung braces himself for coming rejection. But when Jaebum finally speaks it’s soft as always and words light but sincere. “I believe you.” Jaebum all but says to him. And as Jinyoung lets out a breath he doesn’t know he has been holding, he chances to turn and peak at the elder’s face. Brown eyes offering kindness and comfort. Jinyoung indulges in the shared moment of intimacy before he pushes open the door with still slightly trembling hands and the crispy seasonal wind takes away the tension that has built up in the car. 

“Thanks again. I’ll see you next Monday then, Jaebum-ssi.” 

“You’re welcome. Remember to drink water for the hangover tomorrow. Good night.” 

Just before he climbs out of the car, Jinyoung has the impulsive idea to plant a small kiss on the other man’s cheeks. But he stops himself just before drunk Jinyoung makes more mess and decides enough has gone on for the night. Half struggling to walk on a straight line to the door, the personal assistant does not miss the hunch that his idol continues to stare after him in the car. 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Jaebum’s POV

Jaebum wants to kick himself in the shins for being drawn into the game of “hide and peek” with Jinyoung. The positive feedback from the media has lifted the strain of his relationship with his assistant quickly. Then comes the promotion events that the younger has planned and organised which exceeds Jaebum’s expectation. For once he finds events durable, almost enjoyable. Thanks to the charity he has now an adopted kitten called Noora as his companion when he stays home. Then comes Jackson’s birthday party and Jinyoung’s tight black pants. The way Jinyoung has transfixed his gaze on him the entire night is exotic, for Jaebum is always feeling bored and tired of party goers swimming past him. He has also cringed at the fact that he almost lets signs of jealousy broke out on his face when he saw Yongguk teasing Jinyoung, and how it escalated to something much less innocent on the dance floor. Thank the sky above that he decided after the scandals that he would abstain from alcohol for at least three months, and consequently allowed him to justify his insistence on taking his assistant home himself. They were sitting too close in the car and he was starting to think it was too tempting to act on his impulse when the younger opened his mouth and tried to explain his actions the night they met again. Although the event mostly forgiven and looked past, Jaebum appreciates the explanation. A tiny guilt claws at his heart when he heard Jinyoung saying he still hasn’t forgotten Jaebum implying that he has been using his appeal to distract him and lead him to the downfall that night. So Jaebum draws up all the sincerity in return and told him clearly he is believed. The air around them cleared both metaphorically and physically when Jinyoung climbed out of his black ride that night and Jaebum let out a relieved sigh. 

The following weeks come and go like a forgotten dream. Comeback promotions are always hectic and if Jaebum thinks the previous events were borderline enjoyable, then proper promotions are exhilarating and hammer the strength out of him until he’s left lying like a flattened carpet with sore bones and tired eyes. With curious eyes he sometimes traces each and every move of his new assistant, wondering if he too feels exhausted with rushing chaos. He observed that the new role has certainly brought physical challenge on Jinyoung even though with his stubbornness he is always careful to hide his yearning and exhaustion. He could see thought that sometimes after a long day of packed schedules, transporting from radio station to TV stages, photo shoots to long waiting hour of demo recordings, his assistant can’t help but stretches his sore muscles like a cat. When he thinks no one can see him, his eyes would droop and his back slumped. Understandingly, Jaebum never outright asks him if he is doing okay, as the question may embarrass Jinyoung and simultaneously his late obsession with his assistant. 

One day at their base office, Jaebum walks past the sofa next to the window only to find a soundly asleep Jinyoung lying on it. His limbs curled up reminding Jaebum again of his kitten at home. They’ve caught a day with blanks in between the schedules and Jackson has insisted on having the interview done in the office. Jinyoung must have given in the exhaustion and slipped into the state he is in now, his fingers still lightly curled around edge of the novel he has been reading lately. Jaebum looks around and finds a thin blanket on one of the office chairs to put on him. The man seems to stir up for a moment but softly sighs and settles into a more comfortable position, wallowing in the blanket. Late summer sunlight is peaking through the large window and kisses each inch of skin it can reach with warmth. 

The idol finds himself submerged in awe: everything about Jinyoung glows. The boyish features calm, losing the stubborn edges they always carry in the day. Eyelashes golden under the sunlight casting soft shadow on his baby cheeks. Skin smooth and hair puffy, rhythmic breathing matches with the beating of Jaebum’s own heart, only to have the idol find himself edging closer stealthily and heartbeat growing faster, as if he is about to commit a crime. His gaze flick through and observe every line, every dip and rise of the asleep face only to finally settle on the lips he can’t help himself but watching whenever they speak face to face. 

Jaebum takes in a deep breath and a not unfamiliar wish suddenly take over his mind. Like a grape wine clutching onto wood sticks, the idea latches and grows until in the moment, it’s all he can think about. Think about tasting those lips. Are they as soft as they seem? Do they taste like strawberry cream sweet and pink, or Bourbon like sensation spiking and alluring? 

It grows and grows until the idea takes control of his mind and his mind operates his body. Before he understands his own actions, Jaebum finds his lips touching the others’. 

It’s utmost a peck, soft and airy, somehow suiting to the whole angelic appeal of the asleep. Jaebum almost wishes he hadn’t removed his lips after he moved away, the feeling of the other’s skin still lingering on his own. 

The action was chaste but at that moment the idol knows he is done. He doesn’t know how to go back to his life prior to this, pretending to be unaffected. How can he go back to being a stranger to those lush plumps when he has had a taste of them? The possibilities of tasting them again promised. If he has been slightly obsessed with constantly looking for his assistant whenever they’re in the same room, and that he has thought about kissing him at times, then there is no forgiveness to his impulsion this day. As his gaze lingers on the ever transient features of the young face, he lets himself know from this day on he won’t stop dreaming of kissing those lips again, in broad daylight, with Jinyoung being awake. He won’t stop wondering if the other will get flustered, won’t stop imagining the pretty blush it might bring to his face, the shy eyes and battering. He sighs into the new found realisation of how deep he has fallen in such a short time. 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Jackson’s POV

The elevator pings silently and Jackson walks into the office. It’s lunch hour and the office is deserted. Just as he’s about leave a movement in the corner catches his attention. Half hidden behind the office chairs and tables appears Jaebum who he’s been looking for, but there is someone else who is apparently sleeping on the sofa in front. The CEO is about to call out when his friend leans down. Jaebum’s lips leave as soon as they made contact with Jinyoung’s. Stunned, Jackson shuffles silently back to the elevator, mind whirling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all for the kudos and comments; your love warms me and keeps me going. Rest assured this fic will be continued to the very end because amongst all the stress, I still love writing it.


	5. Estimation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> |“Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun.” --- The Song of Achilles|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All characters not tagged are original and do not reflect anyone in real life; all events are fictional.  
> The paragraphs describing Jinyoung's dream state are indented. I hope it's not too confusing.
> 
> Hope you enjoy:)

 

When did he stop calling him Jaebum-ssi and start calling him hyung? Little intimate things like these have slipped through Jinyoung’s fingers and into his life. When he cleans the house at the weekends he always manages to find at least one personal item Jaebum has left behind; almost like a recurring motif waiting for the writer to pick up. Sometimes it’s the idol’s soft cardigan lying on his sofa, still lingering of his fresh detergent smell. Or the mixtape Jaebum has forgotten to take out from the stereo when they finish working on their music production night (read: every Thursday). Touching the CD leaves Jinyoung feeling goosebumps all over him again as he is brought back to the first time Jaebum led him into underground world of R&B. Too many late nights’ collaborations with Jinyoung watching the older man’s music creation in awe, mellow tunes playing in the background of the living that blends in with the low hanging yellow light. Too many giggles in the name of diary scheduling. Too frequent stolen touches and flirty bickering in the kitchen competing against each other to make the best cup of tea. His apartment suddenly seems overwhelmed with the presence of Jaebum, the smell of his Mont Blanc, the sound of his low chuckling. The way he so effortlessly integrates himself in this small space that Jinyoung calls home. When was the last time he willingly opened the door and led someone in like that, both physically and figuratively?

 

It is mutual too, Jaebum has led him through the door into his private life and transformed into a real person in front of Jinyoung’s eyes. Jaebum sheds away the ostentatious idol skin as he opens the door for Jinyoung and guides him in with a hand on his back, into the underground R&B bar near Hongdae. The way the older man seems to be completely in his element, laughing and joking with his other artist friends. His eyes simmer with a passion for fresh music and genuine excitement for creative production. He laughs with his mouth open and teeth showing, so carefree and happiness vivid. And whenever Jinyoung walks into his apartment and finds him immersed in his own world in the study, idly strumming on chords waiting to be written, humming voice velvety and smooth, vibrating on the foamed walls. And oh, when he comes out of his shower with fringe still wet with water droplets and covering his eyes, it’s really like the cliché as the domesticity of the image takes Jinyoung’s breath away. It is all these times that have Jinyoung wishes he could hit the slow down button and let his eyes capture every moment of Jaebum in his own world. So that he can hit replay when he is back home alone again. Throaty laughter ringing in the chilly air as they walk and bump into each other next to Han River, their chests warmed with the the rice wine they drink. The way their body seem shy of each other yet feel unfairly familiar on accidental contacts, the way both of them use their tipsiness to lean on each other, let the craving for intimacy run free with touches over clothed skin, the promise of cuddling underneath a blanket as midnight Korean variety shows run on TV. 

 

Jinyoung knows Yongguk tried to ease into his bubble when he broke up with his last long-term boyfriend. And the writer will never stop being grateful for his friend giving him care and attention when they were most needed. But distance he has placed between them no matter how close and comfortable he feels with Yongguk, and he knows it is the right thing to do. Ambiguous relationships and messy boundaries are mistakes that once made, he never wants to make again. The lesson is brought by his long-term boyfriend who accused him of being too friendly with everyone around him, and left him after six years of knowing Jinyoung and three years of being in an exclusive relationship together. Before the man left he pointed his fingers at all those who he had kept scores on for flirting with Jinyoung, and listed all the times Jinyoung didn’t outright reject more than friendly attentions on him. His boyfriend didn’t shout, didn’t even put up a chance for an argument; it was like a decision had been made on Jinyoung when he himself was not included in the decision making. Jinyoung knew then and there that it was lost because the man walked out on him, didn’t even give him the time to explain, didn’t want to forgive and work it out. And when Jinyoung heard it from their mutual friend months later that his ex was seeing someone new already, half of the blame he had been carrying around felt lifted, only to be replaced with anger and self-hatred. Jinyoung thinks he now knows why the man refused to see he was still in love with him, the day he walked out and the whole month afterwards. How he hated himself for wasting his time wallowing in guilt and repentance when the man never considered seeing from his perspective, as his mind was made on chasing after someone new. The three years of being together, through ups and downs in completing their degrees, their lives woven together with shared habits and settled schedules. And suddenly his other half could just rip away from this unaffected. The younger had bled and cried, had woken up in the morning in panic attacks only to realise the person he was in love with was no longer his. It was excruciatingly painful to admit that his ex didn’t need him to feel whole, when Jinyoung himself felt like he would never be complete again.

 

He buried his heart in soil laid by literatures; watered it and planted seeds of hope deep down, praying that when spring comes again it would heal and bloom. He made tea and sat daydream at times. He hugged Yugyeom when the dongsaeng had barged into his house insisting they should hang out together. He bought plants in a pot from local farmers, desperately wanting to see something alive in his house. The plants didn’t live long but neither did the depressive episodes brought from the breakup. Jinyoung had read enough to understand the ache of his heart would not be completely gone. He was realistic that he could never go back to the way he was again; but that wouldn’t matter. The silver lining from all this hurt was the most important lesson he learnt: don’t play with anyone’s feelings regardless of how innocent it may be. Which is why he has kept every potential romantic interest an arm away when they try to flirt their way into his heart, when they give him well-meant affection that he so desperately craves for but understands he shouldn’t keep. On certain days he wishes he could put down the self-restraints and let someone take care of him, but he knows he will have to clean up the mess if he misleads anyone into thinking they could be something more than friends later. So for the two years after graduation, finding a job and struggling to make a living have provided enough priorities for him to not dwell on his single status.

 

Through winters and springs no one has walked into his life that makes him want to put down the caution he has built, not even the dragging heat of summer in Seoul could melt the ice. But autumn comes eagerly this year, with one morning Jinyoung waking up to the crisp sound of leaves sweeping on the pavement below the balcony of his tiny apartment.

 

The 7 o’clock alarm ringing for his new office hours, only to have our protagonist find himself insistently happy. He hasn’t woken up happy for so long that he has forgotten how it feels. The thought of seeing Jaebum again even if it’s on the job makes him giddy.  

 

* * *

 

 

That same morning Jinyoung is handing out some files when he gets a text from an anonymous number.

\- _Meet me at the second table in Blue Bird Café on Changnim Street tomorrow. I have a little gift for you._ It says.

 

Unease glooms over his presence until Yugyeom gets back to him from checking the number and finds out it’s from Lee Dongsung, a manager. Lee Dongsung has been in charge of the rising star Kim Youjung, and seeing that Youjung and Jaebum have a clashing comeback date, Jinyoung more or less could guess Dongsung’s ruse. Jinyoung is thankful that Yugyeom comes to his apartment the same night and together they dig up a sufficient amount of dirt to ensure Dongsung won’t have the upper hand should the game of intimidation takes place. Yugyeom has also suggested telling Jackson about this, but Jinyoung doesn’t want to notify the high level management yet, at least not until he figures out exactly what Dongsung wants. Looking at the paparazzi photos of Youjung they print out and the past record they have on the illegal money scandal on Dongsung, Jinyoung feels slightly more grounded. It may not be the most morally correct way of resolving this, but at least he is using their underground resources to protect someone this time.

 

Lee Dongsung isn’t tall but he is built with a strong dominating presence. Jinyoung thinks what really makes his pulse beat with anxiety is those eyes --- always calculating and ready to call his buff. The man sits opposite of him and opens a brown envelop, only to hand over a stack of black and white photos to Jinyoung.

 

Logically, Jinyoung should be relieve at the moment he sees the photos. He takes his time inspecting each blurry photo. The subjects were Jaebum and another girl and with the angle the photos were taken, it makes them seem quite physically close and emotionally suggestive. But Jinyoung silently thanks for his paparazzi days because with his experience, he knows the photos are of bad quality. The most they can be seen doing was sitting together in a small restaurant and drinking, engaged in private conversation. There was no hand holding or other physical contacts apart from anything that can be excused as friendly interactions. It was a public place full of tables of people. And there was no indication that they went home together. Even if these are spilled, there is a limitation on the story they could fabricate.

 

It isn’t the anxiety for potential sabotage that tightens around Jinyoung’s throat and clenches at his heart then. He momentarily freezes over the photos trying to figure out the bottomless list of words that describe his feeling. Just surprise? Curiosity? Rejection?

 

_Jealousy._

 

As if he has hit the jackpot questions come rushing out. _When was this? Was this when Jaebum cancelled the meet-up at my house last Thursday with a flimsy reason? Who is she? Who is she to him? Are they really a thing --- is that why Jaebum hid it from me?_

 

No time for that as he wills himself to concentrate. He reaches out and puts the photos back meticulously into the envelope. _Later_ , he silently promises his heart.

 

Dongsung must have taken his silence and knitted eyebrows as being troubled because his smile is smug when he advises Jinyoung to push Jaebum’s comeback date till after Youjung’s. “Or those photos might leak themselves and I’m not sure how much damage Jaebum can take in such a short time.” But Jinyoung wants to cut it short so he makes sure his words are clear as he speaks next.

 

“Lee-ssi, I’m sorry to disappoint you but there is nothing compromising about these photos. In fact, as Jaebum’s assistant I know his schedule so I was aware of this meeting. I’m not sure what you’re trying to imply here but I can assure you it was nothing but a casual catch-up session between two friends. The nature of these photos is subject-neutral and ordinary; it would not change no matter who it was sitting across him that day. I appreciate you coming here and showing them to me, but I would suggest you not to worry about Jaebum too much in the future. If all things go well, we’ll see each other on the comeback stage rehearsal next week.”

 

Dongsung’s smile turns into a snarl. “You sound almost prepared Jinyoung-ssi, did you write that little monologue before you came here? You know, this isn’t the only thing I’m worried about Jaebum, I’ve got stocks in my office that sooner or later will be published if you go ahead and make yourself our competition on that comeback stage.”

 

Jinyoung then knows the conversation is over because amidst all the new emotions he is yet to deal with, he still trusts his idol. Jaebum has stayed sober as promised since the press conference and he wasn’t fully lying when he said he knew Jaebum’s schedule by heart. In fact, with the fast approaching release date the idol has been living a two-point life --- his house and his studio. Lee Dongsung is making empty threats and that makes any further discussion a waste of time.

 

“Dongsung- _ssi_ , I’m Jaebum’s assistant, my job is to make sure he doesn’t need to worry about things other than producing his music. I got my protective instincts on 24/7 and I believe you do too. Your history of washing money in illegal markets and underground betting and using Youjung’s name to obtain unnamed sponsorship are all recorded on a certain hard drive in my previous office. Entertainment Weekly will be completing their yearly sales quota if I decide to let them publish it now. However, I’m never one to start anything so I will advise you to take care of you and your idol’s business, and leave us alone. Don’t try to use ruses like these again. Tell your friends to stay away from Jaebum and his life and I’ll tell mine to stop digging; otherwise you yourself know how much deeper we can get into.”

 

 _It’s done_ , Jinyoung whispers to himself as he walks away from the café wearily.

  

* * *

 

  

The day after the secret meeting, Jinyoung finds himself sitting in Jackson’s office; to be honest, he has been expecting this since he called up Mark after the confrontation with Lee Dongsung. Riding on his adrenaline during the confrontation he found himself crashing hard with left over emotions as he got home. He opted for calling his closest friend to rant. Half way through the phone call with Jinyoung sprawling bonelessly on the sofa, Mark had the intuition to point out that the assistant’s frustration and despondency didn’t come from the threat, but the photos of Jaebum and the girl.

 

Snapping back to the present, Jackson is sitting on the edge of his desk and looming slightly towards the assistant himself. The CEO’s face calm but serious as he warns Jinyoung not to handle threats and publicity problems like that alone again, and Jinyoung gives his promise. Jackson nods and the assistant stands up to leave. As turns towards the door, he hears Jackson clear his throat and starts with a much quieter voice. One that he has suspects Jackson uses only to become more friendly and intimate with the person he’s talking to.

 

“Do you have feelings for him, Jinyoung?”

 

It takes the assistant a second to figure out who “him” is. And then a much longer mind blank as he searches for any notion of anger on the CEO’s face. But it’s devoid of any judgement, expression open and sincere, ready to accept any answer.

 

Panic rises up in Jinyoung loaded with questions. _Why ask me now? What gave it away? Has Mark really told him everything? But he woulnd’t. Is he going to give me another talk?_ In the end, Jinyoung squeezes out the most truthful one --- “Are you asking me as a friend or as my boss?”

 

Jackson sighs in a way that suggests he’s mildly hurt by Jinyoung’s wariness against him. “Both.”

 

“I don’t know.” The assistant says after taking his time to chew on his lips. But the way his fingers snatches the back of the chair knuckles turning white gives another answer.

 

“It’s okay.” Jackson’s hand rests on his shoulder for a brief moment. A comforting gesture. “As both, I’m okay with however you feel. I won’t offer you any unwanted opinion unless you come to me and ask for help; likewise, I won’t do anything to interfere either. But try to sort it out and don’t run away from it; as your boss I want you two to be professional and as your friend, I hope you figure out what you want and that you get the happiness you deserve.”

 

Alone in the elevator, Jinyoung finds himself slumped against the mirror. Dealing with confrontations two days in a row wasn’t something written in his job description when he signed up for the role. Although Jackson has meant well the straight-forward discussion is too much to be handled when he has only started unearthing those feelings himself not long ago. Vaguely he recalls the much gentler phone call with Mark yesterday. After his friend figuratively held his hands and guided him step by step into opening his heart and recognising how he feels.

 

“So why have you been watching your feet all the way?” Mark asked near the end of their call, after Jinyoung admitted verbally that he might harbour feelings more than just friendship for the idol he’s in charge of.

 

“Because I have so much to give but I’m so afraid of giving it to the wrong person.”

 

“Oh, Jinyoung.” The older boy’s voice gotten even softer and somehow closer even through the phone; weirdly Jinyoung felt he was being cuddled.

 

“It’s like once you realise you’re in love with someone,” Jinyoung wasn’t aware when he started vomiting words, “once that statement gets imprinted in your mind, there is no escape from it. You can’t wipe it off, or, or turn away. There is no going back; either way you can only move on with this new piece of information by trying to make it happen or let time fade the feelings away.”

 

In truth Jinyoung knew this thing that was going on between him and Jaebum hadn’t gotten to such an angsty stage. But the raw confession left him heaving with emotions and he sounded choked up on tears. Mark spoke in a comforting voice as Jinyoung allowed himself to be calmed. All the hurt, pain, anger and self-doubt precipitated from his last relationship came back and hit him hard. The memories of his flesh being slashed open and watching his life drain away in front of him were washing over him again and he felt so petrified.

 

“It’s okay, Jinyoung-ah, it’s okay,” the voice on the other side sounded emotionally-drenched too, “I promise it’ll be okay. It’ll work out. You have us now, you’re not alone in this. We can work it out together okay?”    

 

* * *

 

 

That night as Jinyoung clads himself tightly in the sheets and falls asleep, he is sent into another dream again.

 

          He feels a youthful excitement shivers through his spine, and he starts running towards the sun. The Long Jetty straight and pointing directly to the orange glow, its white fences glowing in Jinyoung’s peripheral. The water beneath him, the wind next to him and the chatter of people behind him, grow alive. Everything is moving in sync with him and yet he is only aware of his own existence in the world.

          The stubbornness to chase after the sunset is reminded again. The sky is a canvas painted by a myriad of shades, rendering the hue of flames. But he can only see the sun, the one burning in the sky and lowering itself slowly.

 

         As he runs, he feels himself being free from the restraint of time and space. In the blur of pictures and sounds he flies past, with his feet lifting and hitting the wooden jetty tirelessly towards the sunset, he idly wanders how this feels so familiar to him.

 

        This. Feels like… falling in love.

 

        Feels like throwing away his common sense and listening to what he wants. And how desperately, how desperately his heart urges him to chase after the subject of his affection. The sun occupies his entire sight and its brightness although dimming, still holds that same alluring power that drew Icarus to his self-destruction millions of years ago. This must be the same light, the same warmth, the life-spawning energy that guides all lives on Earth. And love oddly feels like a synonym.

 

        And then he reaches the end of the jetty. There is only water, the hills have now shielded most of the sun and light is merely a lingering optical illusion. Jinyoung is panting, catching cold air in his lung sporadically.

 

        It’s sad, really. In the spur of the moment as he ran towards the sunset he had the craziest idea that it would prolong the sunset for just a little bit, to see it for a few seconds longer. But now everything around him is blanketed by a shade of soft grey purple.

 

Jinyoung slowly drifts back to consciousness then and opens his eyes. His heart beat a bit irregular. The vividness of the dream makes him feel like he has physically experienced it. But the sadness from the dream doesn’t linger because the rise is breaking on the horizon then as the streets of Seoul start bustling with early risers.

 

He wants nothing more than to let himself fall in love with Im Jaebum.

 

* * *

 

Oh yes, somewhere along the line blurred by all the promotion shooting and travelling Jackson has promoted Jinyoung from assistant to manager. However, the reality is the work he had been doing as an assistant is the same as now under the manager title. Jinyoung secretly thinks Jackson was just underpaying him for the first three months. But he lets that slide, mainly because a true and trusting friendship has grown between him and the CEO ever since the questioning of his feelings happened. On top of this, the writer can see the relationship between Mark and Jackson settling down into the comfortable stage and isn’t there a rule somewhere that your closest friend’s boyfriend should also be a friend of yours? Above all, the past five months have been hectic. Jinyoung goes through adrenaline kicks every day that at night there is only exhaustion left. Business events come gusting out of nowhere and swirl him off his feet. He has been so concentrated on trying to deal with all the memos and arrangements that he doesn’t have time to nurse his unrequited crush, yet. And with this half-hearted excuse the manager also hasn’t talked to his idol about Lee Dongsung’s photos from months ago.

 

Jinyoung never thought he’d made it to the trending hashtag on Twitter. Given his account has a hundred or so followers and his bio does not give away he is Im Jaebum’s manager. There has been no association between him and the idol and he has always felt most comfortable shielding away from the spotlight.  

 

\- _DUDE YOU’RE TRENDING ON TWITTER._

 

A preview of Jackson’s text pops up on a Wednesday night as Jinyoung is lying on bed reading off his phone. He is positively exhausted from accompanying Jaebum from six in the morning to six at night for the Music Bank performance rehearsal and shooting. Discarding the message as Jackson’s dramatization, Jinyoung asks him what he meant.

 

\- _You gotta see this._ A screenshot of the hashtag “#hotmanager” followed.

 

\- _And?_

 

\- _It’s you!!!! You’re the hot manager just go ON TWITTER_

 

Given Jackson is only going to continue capslock his explanation. Jinyoung sighs and logs on. He sees the hashtag on the trending list and clicks into the top tweets section.

 

The first tweet has a slightly shaken photo taken at a fan meet.  The caption reads “@OrganicJBonly: I may or may not have accidentally discovered JB’s hot manager.”

 

It’s a photo that failed to focus on Jaebum and instead on Jinyoung who happened to stand next to him. He was dressed in a fitted light grey jumper with a pair of black pants, complimented by his favourite oxford shoes. Seeing the photo reminds him that it was a rare occasion on that day, as Jinyoung woke up feeling childishly giddy. It was his first fan meet (technically his idol’s but Jinyoung deserved calling his as well after all the troublesome arrangement he dealt with). He decided to honour it with his Eng-Lit major look and topped his outfit off with a pair of black framed glasses. There were a lot of things Jinyoung was uncertain about, but one thing that was for sure? His ability to pull off this signature style. His point was proven strong as he caught eyes with quite a few female staff that day, and even Jaebum had taken a double look at him when he arrived at the hall. 

 

Tuning back to the tweet, the comment section is flooded with exclamations ---

 

“@bluebeom replied: omg he IS cute”

 

“@plantsandstars: @bluebeom I’m so convinced that entertainment companies screen their managers the way they do with their idols?”

 

Treating it lightly Jinyoung finds it the entertainment after a long day, so he starts to keep an eye out for Jaebum and his tag. Slowly, the tweets seem to spiral into shipping him and the idol together which has taken him in pure surprise. Being equally in awe and terrified, Jinyoung is brought to realisation by the spike in his follower count that the fans have found his twitter. There are now photos of him with Jaebum floating around on social media. And he wants to reason with himself to stop, being in the entertainment business he has the basic knowledge of what “shipping” is and normally he wouldn’t be interested in knowing more. But the greater curiosity wins as he wants desperately to know what made the fans think there could be something between him and his idol.

 

As he scrolls down further on his feed his already chaotic feelings start to tangle up even more, like a messy linen ball that has been played with by a kitten. The fans catch the way Jaebum has his eyes on him in various promotion events even though Jinyoung is hidden in the darkness offstage. They smile at each other like only they’re sharing an inside joke when Jaebum cracks a joke during fan signs. The way Jaebum looks for him across the room in fan meets. There is even a video compilation of Jaebum singing a particular line from his new song while looking at Jinyoung, it’s always that line and those eyes are always settled on him. Something even the manager himself has never noticed. To Jinyoung’s credit, it is incredibly hard to concentrate on the lyrics when everything around you falls silent and one of the most popular men in South Korea is standing inches away from you. When everything else is darkened except the hot white spotlight illuminating his stance and his eyes are closed in concentration as he sings in a voice that brings you shiver. His existence itself is so intense with his charm and talent. Jinyoung often finds himself completely magnetised even after working with him for half a year. Being a writer Jinyoung knows he’s not insensitive, he’s not oblivious to the way sometimes he feels Jaebum’s gaze and his smile hold more than for performance. He observes the idol doesn’t usually look at someone this way. But he’s also his manager and he can neither afford the time or mental effort to disintegrate every little detail that makes him nervous and self-conscious.

 

But the fans can. Because what started as a light-hearted joke is bringing more interest in than Jinyoung expected. Fans catch the times they go on “dates” in book cafes, which is something Jinyoung introduces Jaebum to in exchange of Jaebum showing him all the underground R&B bars. The times they leave the studio before midnight and go for a Macca’s run. Jaebum really looks his age of twenty-year old in all those pixelated phone photos.

 

And if Jinyoung was an outsider, he would say Jaebum was in love with the other boy in the photo.

 

Too coincidentally Jaebum is giving off a more soft-hearted vibe. Finally allowing this side of himself being shown to the public. He posts photos of his cats, but in the background there is an unknown pair of feet on the carpet. Blurry Instagram photos of green tea put in delicately made teapots, and subtle reflection of a pair of hands showing on the glass table top. And of course fans have caught all these. They are determined that the owner of the candidly captured hands and feet is the subject of Jaebum’s new infatuation.

 

When Jaebum releases the bonus track of his album, it takes Jinyoung all of his self-discipline not to go home straight away and listen to it. Unlike the 7 tracks that are included in the album, this is the extra one that Jaebum has kept quiet and hidden and free of Jinyoung’s assistance. So when Jinyoung hears the lyrics of the song, he is not sure about anything anymore.

 

> " _나는 너를 밤낮으로 찾는다,_
> 
> _(I seek for you day and night,)_
> 
> _당신에게 꽃을 사고 그 눈을 놀래켜 주시길._
> 
> _(want to buy you flowers and see those eyes crinkle in surprise.)_
> 
> _네가 붙잡고있는 불안감을 빼앗기고 내 손으로 대치하자._
> 
> _(Let me take away the insecurities you hold and replace it with my own hand.)_
> 
> _내가 할 수 있다면,_
> 
> _내가 너에게 자장가를 부르고 너가 내 인생의 나머지 부분을 위해 잠을 자도록 볼 것이다._
> 
> _(If I could,_
> 
> _I will sing you lullabies and see you drift asleep for the rest of my life,)_
> 
> _당신은 별과 달의 은하계이고 당신은 안전한 피난처입니다._
> 
> _다시 너에게 키스 해줘?_
> 
> _(You’re a whole galaxy of stars and moons and you’re a safe haven._
> 
> _Will you let me kiss you again?)_ "

 

There’re moments where Jinyoung calls himself delusional for entertaining the idea that Jaebum likes him. Then there’re moments where the line gets blurry and he tries not to dwell onto it too much. But these words sound far too intimate, a genuine confession to an individual compared to how his songs usually are directed to his fans. It’s sung in Jaebum’s three-in-the-morning rough voice and the emotions are so unfeigned and unmasked Jinyoung feels overwhelmed. What does it mean by “kiss you again” though? Is this why the idol has kept it behind his back thinking his manager might disapprove his new-found relationship?

 

 _-_ _So… how do you feel about the bonus track?_

 

On the same day Jaebum texts him at 4:21am. Clearly the man hasn’t been able to sleep after the release of the track. And Jinyoung also suffers insomnia that night; however, he restrains himself until the morning to reply.

 

_\- It’s good, as usual. Could you meet me for a little bit today? There’s some comeback stuff we need to discuss but I’m not bothered to go back to the office._

 

_\- Meet me downstairs at your garage in half an hour._

 

  

* * *

 

 

Jinyoung shows him the photos. They haven’t been touched since he put it back to the envelope in front of Lee Dongsung. Jaebum is taken by surprise. Who got these, is his first question. And Jinyoung explains everything to him.

 

“Your new track, is it about her? It’s okay if you’re in a new relationship you know, there is no ban for you to have a girlfriend anymore. Plus, we have Sony and the whole team and I’m pretty sure they have a backup scheme already if the public doesn’t like it. And also I’m here so I think we can manage to minimise the paparazzi’s noise as little as possible. Or, we could make it official because it is time for your fans to accept this too---”

 

Jinyoung turns around to look at the other because there is no response. Jaebum is looking at him incredulously.

 

“Jinyoung, that’s a noona that I go to whenever I need advice. I’m positively sure that I don’t like her, and I’m not in a relationship with her. That bonus track is for you. I like you, Jinyoung. I thought I was being obvious but…”

 

“But if that song is for me, then why---what was the…about?”

 

“The kiss?”

 

Jinyoung blushes.

 

“I kissed you when you fell asleep on the office sofa one day. Jackson saw it and scolded me for stealing it afterwards.”

 

Jinyoung’s heart is beating too loud, and he is confident both of them can hear it in the small constraint of the car. The realisation of his crush having just confessed to him and ending the excruciating pining is slowly dawning on him. But then Jinyoung’s attention is snatched and he suddenly thinks it’s really not fair how he didn’t feel it during the first kiss they had.

 

“Are you gonna do what you wrote in the song then? Are you gonna kiss me again?”

 

Jaebum looks really surprised at the question but his face breaks into a blinding smile with relief. He slowly leans in until he’s holding Jinyoung’s face tenderly and the younger’s eyes flutter close at the proximity of their faces. The next second a pair of unfairly soft lips are touching his. Jaebum’s thumbs caress his cheeks and he gives into the kiss completely. It isn’t built up and dramatic, but it feels so right. Like everything is falling into its right place. As if their lips recognise each other and have been waiting for this moment long ago that they move in a matching rhythm. And Jinyoung thinks he might forego breathing if it is an option instead of breaking away. As Jaebum tries to lean back Jinyoung’s lips chases after his, and only lets them to be apart after he playfully nips on the older man’s bottom lip.

 

“Will you be my boyfriend, Park Jinyoung?” Jaebum asks breathlessly.

 

“Might have to talk to your manager first, Jaebum-ssi---“ And Jaebum’s lips are eagerly catching onto his again before he can finish teasing him, and Jinyoung is instantly distracted. For the first time he is completely okay with the fact that he didn’t get to finish his sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading<3 As per usual please leave a kudo / comment if you like it:) Your love and support keep me going. Any feedback on how to improve my writing is welcomed.
> 
> Upcoming chapters will be as long as this one which also means it'll take longer to update. I'm also juggling a research project and an online course at the same time so please give me time. I feel very anxious sometimes that I'm not delivering on time because I spent lots of time editing, so any encouragement will be really appreciated. Thanks again for your patience.


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